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Amidst wild success with college students, the energy drink Celsius has released five new flavors, seeking to further cement its claim on every soon-to-be engineer, doctor, and dropout. As flavor ambassador at The Hare, I took the duty of tasting every new flavor so you don’t have to.
1. Sparkling Situationship
After you try it once, this flavor is on your mind 24/7. It tastes like it loves you, but then doesn’t text you for three days until you get a bootycall at 2AM on a Thursday. Frankly, this is the most confusing flavor of the five. I know I don’t like it, but I can’t help myself. Like The Y orange chicken, it’s never as good as I expect, but I keep coming back. I’m a mess. I bet it only wants me for my body. I’m better than that. I’m done with Sparkling Situationship. Blocked.
2. Unemployed Vibe
You’ve been dreaming about this flavor since you came to UMD, whether you knew it or not. You may need about $3 million in savings to never work again, but you only need $2.99 for a taste. I’m wired from the caffeine after having one of these, yet I only have the urge to play Clash Royale. A full-bodied, smooth taste, with a little bit of weed on the tail end.
3. Due Date Extension Green Tea
Sweet, sweet procrastination. The name reminds me of the time I photoshopped myself in the hospital so I could take a midterm a week later than everyone else. I still failed because I didn’t study, but it was the extra seven days of hope that made it all worth it. I actually haven’t gotten around to trying it yet but I’ll buy it soon and update y’all, I promise.
4. Non-carbonated, The Old Chipotle Bowl Size
Remember when they actually hooked you up at Chipotle? Now it’s pigeon portions, man. This is a taste of better times, pre-tariff times. This guacamole must be imported ‘cause it’s expensive as shit now. I will say, it was odd to actually blend up Mexican food to put in the drink. #Chunky!
5. Arctic Diverse Friend Group
You need to hide from any UMD photographers when you’re drinking this, unless you want to end up on the front page of the college website. It tastes like you felt a little adventurous and got a bit of food from every station at the dining hall. This flavor is just so college. Guys… I… *sigh* I really needed this. Thanks for embarking on this journey with me.
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