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251 NORTH DINING HALL — Several residents who were having dinner at 251 North had the shock of their lives when they noticed about three dozen Apache helicopters landing on the roof of Denton Hall. Some bricks fell off, crashing through the dining hall’s roof, smashing tables and adding a cement flavor to the sandwich toppings in the burger section. Junior Tessie Taiker was tutoring some Calculus II students in the dining hall when a fire alarm from Denton Hall landed on her plate. Taiker, distracted and teaching limits to students, nearly ate the fire alarm when she realized she was biting into drywall, cracked porcelain, and plastic.

“These parents are crazy. I was literally sleeping in my dorm after my algorithms class, and all of a sudden I heard this loud whirring noise,” said Wykant I. Knapp, a ninth-floor resident of Easton Hall.

Freshman neurosciences major, Noyin D. Pendents, who was running away from his father Eurstell, smashed a communal bathroom window with his bedside table lamp and paraglided out of it into the Stadium Drive parking garage. He was promptly tackled by a DOTS officer handing out tickets to improperly parked cars. 

“Great, we both have to commute now. I hope my parents don’t think of Mr. Pendents as a role model,” scoffed Noyin’s thirty third cousin, Aldrick Amparo. After Noyin was captured, he was quickly returned to his father and sent back home so that he can carpool every day to class alongside Amparo.

“MY BABY! WHAT ARE THESE KIDS DOING TO MY POOR BABYYYY…!?!?!?” screamed Karen Tumuch. She immediately requested to see the Resident Director to ask if she can sleep in the room with her daughter Yuwori. Yuwori refused to comment when asked to be interviewed by The Hare because she didn’t want her mother to find out her whereabouts.

The Hare also captured Resident Assistant Ivan O. Sanatee on camera being pursued endlessly by overbearing mommies and daddies, having to forcibly shut the elevator doors. The parents then ran down the stairs to catch up. Ivan immediately turned in his two-weeks notice when he reached the ground floor before running across campus to Tempo to crash at his friend’s apartment for the rest of his life.

“Why aren’t my boys picking up mommy’s phone calls? Why can’t I see them on Life360!?!? THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO LISTEN TO MOMMY!!!” yelled Susan Pervisor-Case as she screamed into a lounge pillow and watched as her twins ran down the hall.

“Mom and Dad are psychos! I hope they don’t do this to our sister Justine too when she starts at UMD two years from now,” said twins Hayden and Ronan Case. Witnesses have told The Hare that soon afterwards, they were spotted near Eppley where another two Chinook helicopters landed in the center’s indoor swimming pool.

ResLife and President Pines are currently communicating plans to students and their families to relocate affected students into converted sleeping spaces in Kirwan and the Armory. All classes taking place in those buildings will also be temporarily relocated until a new Denton Hall is constructed. Denton Hall is projected to be rebuilt by 2526, provided Pines doesn’t build a golden statue of himself on the site of the ruined building… and the rest of campus.