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COLLEGE PARK — President Pines has announced that he has elected a new member of the administration to lead alongside him, effective immediately. To the delight of everyone except Computer Science and Engineering majors, Dr. Clyde Kruskal has been elected to become the co-president of UMD. Professor — actually, Instructor — Larry Herman nearly won the vote, but the 75,000 ballots that have been suspected to be cast by a member of the secret Kruskal Appreciation Society noted that students shouldn’t be harassed for using laptops in class or having pop quizzes during lecture.

“The Department of Computer Science is honored to have President Kruskal taking on a leadership position at the University of Maryland. Under President Kruskal’s leadership, UMD is forecasted to grow more than it has in the past century,” announced Pines in a mass Canvas email. 

President Kruskal has been assigned to teach all of the sections for CMSC250 and 351 next semester in an attempt to gain more political reach with the students. But alas, this has been subject to lots of controversy and protests. Several dozen students are now delaying their graduation plans to avoid taking President Kruskal’s class.

“Why is Dr… sorry… President Kruskal teaching four sections of 351? I was hoping Justin would be teaching this fall. I broke down in my dorm seeing that, and my roommate threatened to throw me out the window if I kept crying,” said sophomore computer engineering major, Kevin Sasser, when The Hare interviewed him hanging out of a fifth-story window in Hagerstown Hall.

Dr. Justin Wyss-Gallifent, a senior lecturer in the Computer Science Department, plans to resign at the end of the semester upon learning that he is being forced to teach Advanced Data Structures, and several students are disappointed that he will not be holding the online CMSC351 section in the summer.

In his political agenda, Kruskal also pledges to improve the environment around campus, planting binary search pine trees around McKeldin Mall and mandating that all students take two computer science courses, preferably CMSC250 and CMSC351, as part of their general education requirements. Furious residents of the Cambridge Community, however, noticed that in Kruskal’s list of totally not evil plans was a commission for the destruction of the entire Cambridge Community in the coming months, in favor of a new computer science complex. It is surprising that he didn’t choose the Ellicott community first.

“I have to live off campus now because the co-president wants to teach more classes? You’ve got to be kidding me,” said sophomore public health major Natasha Kendrick.

“Looks like my shot at on-campus living next year is even lower. I guess I’ll have to convince my parents to let me live at Terrapin Row next year,” complained freshman computer science major Aldrick Amparo, who wanted to remove his commute to campus, as it’s so long he’s missed every class and exam.

Kruskal predicts that in the coming months, he will likely replace all the dorms on campus in favor of expanding the computer science complex, or to build multiple giant statues of himself and President Pines. Hopefully, you will have found the perfect route to commute to campus by then.