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THE EARTH — The first Looney Tuesday of the fall semester is quite the force to be reckoned with. Last Tuesday night, the line to enter the local Irish sports-bar chain extended far beyond its usual mile, exceeding the circumference of the Earth and wrapping back around the other side of the world.

Those with the misfortune of arriving late because their friends didn’t want to leave the pregame (even though you totally warned them the line would be bad) had to walk, swim, and trek the entire 24,901 miles of Earth’s circumference before joining the start of the line. This journey also had the side effect of making everyone ripped as fuck from the equivalent of almost one thousand back-to-back marathons.

“This is great; it takes ‘drinking around the world’ to a whole new level,” said junior communications major Jarker Pohnson. “I got a marg in Mexico, a Guinness in Ireland, a shot of vodka in Russia, and some Soju in South Korea!” When asked how those countries form a straight line around the world at all, Pohnson just yelled “I LOVE LOONEY’S!” in her intoxicated state.

Major renovations are taking place to what some call “the only good bar in College Park” in order to accommodate the influx of patrons. Looney’s is looking to expand to all six floors of the Varsity, completely taking over the sad, ugly, dirty apartment building. “We’d like to accommodate the entire student population of UMD and make sure every student has access to a delicious crush bucket,” said the pub when asked for comment.

In the meantime, those who live above Looney’s are cashing in on the craze to pay for their hearing damage. New “fast passes” are now being offered to those who’d like to skip the line and drop through a trapdoor in the ceiling instead. They will, unfortunately, cost the same as one semester of out-of-state tuition, and will plummet you on top of some random drunk dude pissing in the bathroom while muttering a homophobic slur.