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A new parking lot at UMD was recently established exactly where it would be most convenient for you at the moment. Lot FU features 24/7 restrictions that any faculty member, student, or visitor with a permit may only park there between February 30-31, during the hour at which daylight savings starts, or on Jesus’s actual birthday.
You are also allowed to park there after 3am, but only before 2am, and not when the sun is down, but if the sun is up, you can only park there if it is not a weekend, and only if it is not between the 10th to the 19th of the month or a day of the week that starts with ‘T,’ or any other weekday. Also, if it is your brother’s birthday, but not your sister’s, you are allowed to park there, unless you are not allowed to park there, which is always.
DOTS says this measure was taken to ensure that everyone knows that within the hierarchy of this university, “everyone is below DOTS, and DOTS is above all.” The parking lot features parking spaces that are just too small for a car, but too big for a motorcycle. Since its establishment, the lot has only ever been found completely empty, with nothing in it but a few tumbleweed-like plastic bags rolling around in the wind. And in case you were wondering, you can’t park Veo scooters in there either. The lack of Veo scooters seems to be the only good thing about Lot FU.
When further enquired about this decision, a DOTS representative said, “Well, if you think about it, this is actually a good thing for the university and the UMD community. We expect a whole bunch of expensive tickets to come out of this lot, which are then used for funding. You should actually be fortunate to receive a ticket—it’s kind of like donating to charity.”
The penalty for Lot FU? Twice the price of whatever concert tickets you were thinking of buying. Sorry blink-182 fans, that’ll be $230—it’s what you deserve for liking pop punk! And for all you Swifties: make better financial decisions. Additionally, violators of the Lot FU restrictions will be sentenced to hard labor in the newly renovated DOTS Labor Camp.
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