Instagram Posts

General pandemonium erupted this weekend as hordes of near-identical frat and sorority members began to violently attack everyone with a personality following an unscheduled broadcast from President Pines. The announcement was made via UMD websites and emergency air raid sirens, announcing “execute Order 66”.

Immediately following this, thousands of guys in sports jerseys and girls wearing black tube tops began viciously assaulting everyone else within the vicinity. The fraternity and sorority members were originally only dressing, behaving, and acting like clones. 

They now seem to have actually become part of a clone army after having been issued an order to eliminate anyone who had a unique personality. Hopes that the UMPD would resolve the situation were dashed as all UMPD cars were seen speeding away from campus in terror. 

The frat and sorority drones appeared to initially target anyone with a personality. Most people in interesting clubs or majoring in fields such as paleobiology, environmental science, and classics, were eliminated within the first 45 minutes. CS majors and people in acapella groups were largely ignored.

We spoke with Becky, a 19-year-old sorority member currently shanking our editor-in-chief along with her friends Katelyn, Emma, Kaitlyn G, Jenny, and Kaitlyn C. 

“Good soldiers follow orders, good soldiers follow orders, good soldiers follow orders-” said Becky, or maybe Jenny. This was followed by her leaping onto our sound guy, screaming about how he had “betrayed the republic.” The rest of the Hare staff managed to escape campus via the Hare-O-Copter^TM.

Many valiant heroes met their end that black day. Locksley and the football team went out in a blaze of glory, valiantly charging into the Sigma Alpha Epsilon base. Testudo themself was struck down after defending badminton club members from hordes of 5’6” brown-haired frat boys screaming “for the empire yuhhhhhh”.

Following this interesting rush, the surviving students, largely comprised of physics, polisci, and neuroscience majors, have gone into exile on the outskirts of Prince George’s County. Psychology majors collaborating with the weaponized Greek-life students (or “Inquisitors” as they’ve come to be called) have begun exterminating them. 

There are rumors, however, of a rebellion led by UMD alum Stefon Diggs and the UMD fox known as “Feral Pines” forming on the doorstep of DC to topple this new order. What does this rebellion stand for? Hope.