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SOUTH CAMPUS DINING HALL, 11:17PM — Students were surprised late last night when they found themselves still in the South Campus Dining Hall, several hours after its normal closing time. When asked about the new hours, dining hall staff told students that a new late-night-dining policy had been implemented campus-wide. Hare correspondents, who were already on the scene for an unrelated report, identified who they thought was University of Maryland President Darryll Pines at a nearby table. Intending to ask him about the new late-night-dining policy, they approached and found that they had been mistaken.

The man introduced himself as Daryl Pines (one ‘r’, one ‘l’), and revealed that he was in fact Darryll Pines’ evil doppelgänger. Despite only being on campus for a scant twenty-four hours, Daryl Pines had already enacted sweeping reforms of campus policy, all in the name of what he thought was evil. 

“I assumed if President Pines wasn’t doing it, there must have been a reason. You know, like it was evil,” said Daryl. “I mean, some of this stuff is so simple. Late-night dining? Done. Working washing machines in dorm buildings? Fixed. A completely renovated Hagerstown Hall? Being completed as we speak.”

Daryl went on to tell Hare correspondents that he’d also renovated the bathrooms in the JM Patterson building, made it possible to unsubscribe from reglist emails, and approved all Accessibility and Disability Service (ADS) requests while reinstating the policy of three days notice for testing accommodations. He was keen to give assurance that ADS accommodations would actually be enforced in all departments as well.

“And the parking,” Daryl told us. “Don’t even get me started on the parking. Did you know there are students burying their cars out there? They’re paying for those permits, why in the world are we forcing them to move on game days? Stupid is what that is.” Hare correspondents agreed, and confirmed that Daryl had actually enacted a new policy that would fine the Department of Transportation Services (DOTS) if they were found trying to move permitted students from their parking spaces.

“This is only the beginning,” Daryl told us. “So long as I don’t get caught.” At that point, the interview was cut short by the approaching sound of university police sirens. Numerous students directed Daryl to the closest exit and wished him the best of luck in his escape, but we here at The Hare are left to wonder; Is Daryl (one ‘r’, one ‘l’) truly the evil doppelgänger, or has Darryll (two ‘r’s, two ‘l’s) been the evil doppelgänger all along?