Instagram Posts

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY – In a press conference held on Saturday, the Project Director for the Purple Line, Des Traction, announced that all work on the Purple Line is to cease, effective immediately. 

The Purple Line, which was approved by Governor Larry Hogan in 2015, is a proposed 16-mile, 21-stop light rail line connecting Washington, D.C. suburbs together on one line. However, the project has faced criticism from the public over delays in construction and significant costs, with the project being over five years delayed and roughly four to five billion dollars over budget. 

“We hear your criticisms and outrage,” said Traction, “Sometimes, being a leader is knowing when to give up, which is exactly what we’re doing. We’re giving up.”

Shortly after the press conference ended, Traction got back up on stage for a surprise groundbreaking ceremony for the new “Magenta Line.” The Magenta Line is a proposed 16-mile, 21-stop light rail line connecting Washington, D.C. suburbs together on one line.

“I am honored that the Maryland Department of Transportation has selected me to be the Project Director for the Magenta Line. This light rail line will connect suburbs from Bethesda to New Carrollton, allowing travelers to move between these cities without going through Washington, D.C.,” Traction announced. The announcement was received with a fifteen-minute standing ovation

Because of past criticisms, the Maryland Department of Transportation (MDOT) has announced an accelerated timeline for the Magenta Line. 

“By pure luck, somebody left rail tracks in the exact spots we were planning to build, so most of our work is already done,” Traction noted, “We hope to begin passenger service on the Magenta Line in less than four years.”

But what is the true reasoning behind this upheaval? A leaked internal MDOT memo regarding the change states, “The name ‘Purple Line’ has bad press – it’s associated with delays and costly construction. We hope that this rebrand will reduce the criticism and let us start with a fresh slate, resetting the clock” 

The Hare’s Tactical Interview Team surveyed students on the University of Maryland’s campus to get their response to the new Magenta Line and the leaked memo.

“It’s the same thing,” said one English major, “The clock doesn’t reset just because you call it a different color.” A computer science major responded differently, saying, “I mean it’s a different color; the clock definitely resets. Maybe something will be different.”

Shortly after the ceremony, the Maryland Department of Transportation delayed the opening of the Magenta Line by six months after realizing they needed to repaint the existing trains.