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After a thrilling draw with England’s little brother, the time has finally arrived. I refuse to give into those British assholes. Not only is it soccer, but the trophy is now the Soccer Lombardi, fuck a World Cup. The Yanks take on the Brits for what is to be a rematch in the making, the last encounter had been the Revolutionary War and boy did we beat their ass. We broke away from the royal crown, we established our independence and we saved every American from having to eat beans on toast and French Fries with disgusting mashed green peas like who the fuck eats this stuff? The United States will march into Al Bayt Stadium ready to defend its trademark name “soccer”.

A Hare insider was able to squeeze in an interview with none other than Hershey’s own Christian Pulisic as he was in line at a Qatari McDonalds trying to get a taste of home. “This is the most important game of my career apart from the Champions League and Gold Cup final,” said Pulisic, “if we lose this I might as well just get stoned to death.” He emphasized that “Our forefathers did not dump all that overpriced tea and Lincoln didn’t get shot only for us to lose to dudes that eat spotted dick and call soccer ‘football’.”

“Sorry Charlie but we call another sport that name and my teammates and I feel ready and confident, it’s time to show these Brits who daddy really is.”

As the US prepares for their second game in this year’s World Cup, it’s difficult not to notice someone missing on the roster. That missing person is Maryland’s very own Zack Steffen, with Matt Turner holding the starting goalkeeping job. Steffen’s background in the city of College Park provides the much needed edge for those tough games, as it simulates a war zone quite well. Only time will tell if we could have beat Wales with Zack in the 26 man roster. For now all we can do is cheer on the boys and hope we can humble those Queen lovers, GO USA!!!!

Image Credits: Giancarlo Terrones