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During the afternoon of Friday, May 2nd, a thunderous noise shook the ground of McKeldin Mall, sending broken glass and leftover confetti flying in the air. What sounded was the deep, hissing noise made by an aggravated diamondback terrapin. The bronze statue of Testudo had sprung to life to decree a battle cry against the graduating Class of 2025.

Testudo has used their divine power to afflict a curse on University of Maryland’s seniors, draining the current job market and flooding students’ emails with fake job offers. “The emails are just to rub it in that they’re graduating unemployed,” Testudo told Hare reporters. Testudo confirmed in this interview that the curse was a punishment for the absurd amount of litter the Class of 2025 has left on Testudo’s beautiful mall.

“I thought it was a little obvious where I stood on the whole littering thing, y’know, as a turtle. Seeing the same people who posted #SaveTheTurtles in high school tout around with their reusable straws just to throw plastic all over my lawn, I realized I couldn’t squat idly by anymore.”

Legacy student Publi C’nusance is one of many students affected by the sudden employment drought. C’nusance recently paid for a grad photoshoot, having used pounds of plastic confetti during the shoot, and left behind shards of a champagne bottle, which can still be found on the lawn.

“I didn’t think it was my responsibility to pick it up! I thought the lawnkeepers would do it,” C’nusance whined. When asked if they had ever cleaned up after themselves, C’nusance seemed confused. “Does your maid not clean up after you in your mansion?”

Testudo has confirmed to Hare reporters that their next course of action is to put another fake police car at the base of McKeldin fountain. “As a punishment for throwing useless trash all over my lawn, I’m going to put useless trash in their graduation photos.”