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A history student at the University of Maryland has made a groundbreaking discovery. While going through the documentation in McKeldin Mall, our hero has discovered countless references to a new phenomenon: sex.

The student — a religious historian — was browsing through McKeldin’s collections, looking for information on missionary positions around the world over the last few hundred years. As he pushed deeper through the stacks, he found an odd, seemingly random reference: “Top 10 alternative positions for missionaries.”

Upon opening the book — which he said was eight pages but we thought was barely five — he was shocked to see images of barbarity which have been absent from this world for centuries. He reported seeing images and sketches of horrific close human physical interactions that he had never at all imagined. At this point in his story, we asked whether he was sure he’d never imagined it. “Not even those weird wet dreams,” he answered. “Have you ever had those?” 

Struggling to comprehend the many holes in his newfound discovery, he thrust himself back into the tight walls of McKeldin’s bookshelves as he found modern documents that describe these interactions as examples of the mythical “sex.” He even turned to Google to look it up, but his phone only showed cryptic, blurry imagery. He even found a black-and-orange themed info-hub, but that was geo-locked to Virginia ID card holders, forcing him back to reference material. Soon, he found shocking statistics where “sex” and the human population correlate. 

The climax of the phenomenon, according to our historian, is extreme. Over the centuries, millions, potentially billions of people, have partaken in “sex.” Some on their own, some supposedly with other people, and even in theoretical cults. Some people, even today, may still be part of this seemingly secret activity. While he has yet to figure out what it is, our historian hopes to go deeper, and is determined to get to the bottom of it. 

When asked how he would further his research, he responded with incredible comments such as “What is polygamy?” and “I’ve yet to see what this ‘homo’ thing is.” When we asked what his real next task was, our historian announced his next big question: “What’s a vagina?”