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The University of Maryland Women’s basketball team, which has had a great run since the beginning of the season, has recently been fined and threatened with further disciplinary action for “not following the script”.

In a statement by the NCAA Board of Governors this Thursday, the UMD team “violated previous contracts, straying from their intended game statistics and outcomes. This deviance from the official NCAA script carries a strict penalty, and will be dealt with accordingly”. The Board proposed a $50,000 fine to the team, as well as “future penalties if the contracts are not adhered to”.

Sports being scripted has become a popular conspiracy theory as of late, but has been around for a while, especially in larger sports leagues like the NFL. Previously, the script of this year’s Super Bowl (the popular “34-37” post) was reportedly leaked, but the Hare’s in-house professional conspiracy theorists believe that the NFL had then altered the script to cover up the scandal. But surprisingly, this is the first time in sports history that a governing body has come out and admitted that there is, in fact, a script. We reached out to the NCAA for comment, and they happily and eagerly explained to us their top-secret system of controlling games.

We managed to get ahold of Michael Gordon, the NCAA’s Chief Officer of Script Writing and Season Planning, and spoke with him about the script and the UMD team’s violation. “Well the NCAA has been scripted for a long time now. Obviously teams like Georgia football couldn’t be that good without the help of an outside force. Before each season, we draw up the plans for how many points are scored by certain players, and the outcome of games. We then reveal these plans at the annual NCAA Script-Reading Convention, a top-secret meeting containing all NCAA athletes on a small undisclosed island off the coast of Chile. Each player and coach must sign a contract that they will adhere to the script, or face consequences set by the league. The UMD Women’s Basketball team violated their contract by winning way too many games.”

“Certain teams are planned to do better than others,” said Gordon. “Alabama football, for example, is good every year, since those people down there have nothing else to be happy about. But Maryland, on the other hand, is a great school filled with many things to enjoy, such as crowded bars, ongoing construction, $80 parking tickets, and an excellent satire newspaper. So we typically script UMD teams to be mediocre.” And it’s true, UMD has featured terribly mediocre football and basketball teams ever since the retirement of Maryland legend Gary Williams.

The UMD Women’s team has been a force to be reckoned with this year. Predicted to be a #3 seed in the NCAA tournament, the Terps have been the biggest force on the court since Judge Judy. Star players Diamond Miller and Shyanne Sellers have dominated the game, and of course their victory couldn’t be achieved without sharpshooter Abby Meyers, who hits more threes than a frat boy at Penn State. Winning must’ve not been in the script, and the NCAA has retaliated harshly.

UMD has since not commented on the matter after their victory against Michigan State last Saturday, and it is yet to be determined if they will give in to the NCAA or continue to break the rules and ball out on the court. I’m sure I speak for all Terps when I say that I’d love to see the UMD team keep winning, and expose the corrupt organization that is the NCAA. At least I have now confirmed that sports are in fact scripted, and I have a seemingly-valid scapegoat when my parlays don’t hit.