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1. How do you like to spend your free time?

1. Pointing and laughing at people I think are lesser than me
2. Watching sci-fi shows from 50 years ago
3. Reading
4. Listening to music
5. Building IKEA furniture

2. What’s your go-to caffeine source?

1. Something super complicated that the on-campus cafe workers fuck up
2. Vanilla latte
3. Tea
4. Monster
5. Black coffee

3. How do your friends describe you?

1. Outgoing and athletic
2. Loud and funny
3. Intelligent and quiet
4. Carefree and unique
5. Hardworking and dependable

4. What kind of music do you listen to?

1. Music? I only listen to podcasts like The Joe Rogan Experience
2. 70s and 80s rock because nothing is cooler than what my dad listens to
3. Indie rock or folk
4. Punk and metal, I’m a walking stereotype
5. Classical

5. What’s your major?

1. Business
2. Astronomy
3. Engineering
4. Communications
5. Who needs a major when you have a job?

6. What’s your dream job?

1. Professional athlete
2. Head of a successful satire publication
3. Some white-collar office job
4. Historian or researcher
5. University maintenance worker

7. If you were a breed of rabbit, what would you be?

1. Flemish Giant
2. Mini Rex
3. Himalayan
4. French Lop
5. Angora

Mostly A’s: E-Scooter

Fuck you. You’re probably a student-athlete who is fully capable of walking to class but doesn’t want to get out of bed early enough in the morning. Everyone on Reddit wants you dead, which is a bit extreme, but maybe they’d be less murderous if you guys stopped nearly taking everyone else out in collisions. Please, for the love of god, learn how to signal when you’re behind someone. Also, stop signs do apply to you and it’s not just UMPD that notices when you run through them.

Mostly B’s: Acoustic Scooter

You are the editor-in-chief of the UMD Hare, Joseph Kleinman. If you got this result and are not Joseph, why? Your ankles must be broken. Your brain probably is too, but in a silly goofy way. I still trust you more than I trust e-scooter people, as it does actually take a bit of manual labor for you to move around campus. Still, I question your decision-making skills, as this is a strange choice of vehicle to ride every day.

Mostly C’s: Bicycle

Everyone on campus (drivers, pedestrians, other cyclists) hates you, and to be honest you probably don’t deserve the bad reputation you have. The sorry excuse for a bike lane on campus drive only puts you in everyone else’s way and does nothing to stop pedestrians from getting in your way. For the record though, the same signaling and stop sign grievances of the e-scooters apply to you. Please don’t run me over while I’m just trying to go to class. I have a family at home. My sister had a baby, and I took it over because she passed away, and the baby lost its legs and its arms and now it’s nothing but a stump, but I still take care of it with my wife and it’s… it’s growing, and it’s fairly happy… and it’s difficult because I’m working a second shift at the factory to put food on the table but all the love that I see in that little guy’s face makes it worth it in the end.

Mostly D’s: Skateboard

I tried to learn how to skateboard when I was a kid and gave up immediately, so I remain incredibly jealous of you at all times. You look cool as fuck and you know it. You probably either dress alt with a really cool-looking haircut that I could never pull off, or you look like a 12-year-old boy. There is no in between. Either way, you are either incredibly brave or stupid to skate between buses on your way to class. I am terrified I’m gonna see one of you wipe out at the wrong time and get crushed by a Cybertruck. 

Mostly E’s: Golf Cart

Does this even count? You’re probably not even a student here. You work for South Campus Commons, Facilities Maintenance, or another on-campus entity. You drive around in your silly little golf cart at the whims of the voice on your walkie-talkie. You’re reliable and practical, though your parking skills could use a bit of work. I respect you so hard, but also can you give me a ride to class sometime? I think it would be quirky if I pulled up to a CHEM lab in a golf cart.